Analysts recommend being born earlier as the most viable path to homeownership.
Sources confirm that looking at pictures of food online remains free. For now.
Local resident reportedly seen purchasing watercolor paints despite current economic conditions. Neighbors express shock and concern.
"Authorities urge citizens to stare at walls during leisure time as a cost-effective alternative.
Full sleep cycles are now exclusively available to the top 1%. The rest of the population is advised to "just drink more coffee," further straining already-devastated coffee markets.
Subscription-based breathing plans expected Q3. Premium members get both nostrils.
The cost of merely existing has officially exceeded all projections. Economists have been asked to comment but are too busy applying for second jobs.
"We've moved past a recession. We've moved past a depression. We're now entering what I call a 'vibe collapse.' The numbers don't even matter anymore. I showed my charts to my therapist and she started crying."
"I've been studying markets for thirty years. I've never seen anything like this. My models are broken. My spreadsheets are weeping. Excel just sent me a push notification that said 'I'm sorry.'"
"Our latest consumer confidence survey came back with a result we've never seen before. Every single respondent just wrote 'lol' and nothing else. We're treating this as a leading indicator of societal collapse."
"My official recommendation? Hold. Not stocks. Just hold. Hold your loved ones. Hold your breath. Hold on to whatever you can because the economic forecast is — and I'm using a technical term here — 'absolutely cooked.'"
Our state-of-the-art economic analysis engine can determine if any purchase is financially viable in the current climate.
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This has been a special report. The economy remains terrible. Stay tuned.